Larry David: A Letter From Ghislaine Maxwell

"Ghislaine Maxwell, a longtime confidante of the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein, told a top administration official she never saw President Trump engage in improper or illegal acts during his long friendship with Mr. Epstein, according to transcripts.

—The Times.

I’m writing this at 3 a.m. in my cell, since I’ve been unable to sleep after reading the transcript of my recent meeting with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche. I realize now that I left out vital information and details, so I’d like to take this opportunity to clear up any lingering doubts, particularly in regard to President Trump’s involvement in Jeffrey Epstein’s life.

First off, I want to reiterate that, although President Trump did have a friendship with Epstein, I can state unequivocally that he never did anything wrong—ethically, morally, or legally. On the contrary, all the girls held him in the highest esteem and had nothing but the greatest admiration for him. Many of them called him Uncle Donald, and one of the Latina girls even referred to him as El Magnífico, which always made him blush, endearing him to them even more.

In fact, he was a rock for those girls. A shoulder to cry on. He was someone to whom they could confide their innermost thoughts and secrets without being judged or criticized. He was part therapist, part chaplain, and part teacher. Every night before bed, all the girls would gather in the main house in their pajamas in front of the fire, and Uncle Donald would read the classics to them. Shakespeare was his favorite, and he would often perform some of the Bard’s greatest soliloquies. The awestruck girls never failed to give him a standing ovation, and he would always respond with an exaggerated, comedic bow, which delighted them to no end.

And nobody told funnier stories. A highlight was the one about the time a Black woman tried to rent an apartment in one of his buildings and he told her that it was ten thousand dollars a month. His imitation of her reaction was pure vaudeville and had the girls in stitches. He also tutored them in math and was a whiz at calculus, able to solve complex problems in his head on demand. He said that he had the same gene as his Uncle John, who’d taught Ted Kaczynski at M.I.T.

Making sure the girls got plenty of exercise was a top priority for Uncle Donald as well, which included coaching them in daily rounds of golf. One of the girls—let’s call her Donna—became his regular caddy and liked to secretly improve his ball position by kicking it and moving it all over the course. Had he known, he never would’ve tolerated it. Cheating in any way, at anything, was anathema to him. But Donna did it anyway, because she knew that nothing made him happier than winning. Back at the lodge, he would recount his round, his cheeks flush with excitement, his strong, elephantine hands wildly gesticulating. It was a sight to behold.

Of course, it was inevitable that some of the girls would fall in love with him. Donna became inconsolable when he told her that she was too young for him. He asked her to wait five years, but, when you’re fourteen, five years seems like an eternity. Unfortunately, her obsession got the best of her and, one night, distraught, she walked into the ocean. Uncle Donald, who was doing his regular evening meditation at the time, sensed that something was amiss. In spite of his bone spurs, which have caused him a lifetime of intense pain with nary a complaint, he ran into the surf fully clothed to save her. I still have the red tie he was wearing that night. It’s one of my most treasured possessions, reminding me of his bravery and what the human spirit can accomplish.

I only wish I could say the same for some of the others who were on that island, two of whom were former Presidents. That’s right—two. I’m not making this up. Nobody’s putting words in my mouth. And no one on the island liked either of these former Presidents. One was a bad tipper who the girls liked to call El Producto because he smelled of cheap cigars. And the other was known as Biscuit because he always wore an unflattering tan suit. Then there was the woman who was Speaker of the House and would walk around talking to herself, screaming out epithets to imaginary people. Crazy! And the former goody-two-shoes Vice-President who’s not actually so goody and lacked the courage to do the right thing on January 6th.

There was also that Republican congressman who co-hosts a morning show and happens to be a murderer. (I’ve got proof!) And let’s not forget the Senate Minority Leader who got caught stealing sunblock and Q-tips. Finally, Jeffrey had to tell him not to come back. The guy cried like a five-year-old lost at the beach, but Jeffrey held firm.

There were Hollywood people as well. One was a bald comedian with glasses who complained constantly and had an inordinate fear of halitosis. He spent more time on that island than anyone. Once, when he was stung by a jellyfish, he kept calling out for his mother and demanded to be airlifted to a hospital in Miami. Jeffrey said he was the worst guest that he ever had.

All this is just the tip of the iceberg. And, again, I want to reiterate that I’m not writing this expecting or seeking any pardon or commutation. I’m merely telling the truth about what I observed, both on and off the island. As far as the girls—grown women now—are concerned, they are all doing well, leading happy, productive, and, from what I understand, very luxurious lives.

Uncle Donald would be proud.

Yours sincerely,

Ghislaine Maxwell

Source:The New Yorker with a look at convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell. Perhaps even from her private suite at Club Fed. 

From The New Yorker

In case this isn't obvious enough: Larry David is a professional comedian, who writes humor pieces for The New Yorker. Not that you really should take anything that Ghislaine Maxwell says seriously, but she actually didn't write this... as far as I know. 

From what my colleague Fred Schneider wrote about the Epstein files last week: 

"The speculation (and I'm sure it's true) is that the reason why President Trump doesn't want his Attorney General Pam Bondi, to release the Epstein files, because he knows he's all over them and it would be very embarrassing for him. Even though there's probably nothing in them that could probably incriminate him of anything relating to Jeffrey Epstein. 

But my point is, for reasons that I've already laid out, is Donald Trump literally has nothing to lose here in releasing them. He's already the most unpopular 2nd term President, at least in the television and internet age. People who dislike and hate him now, won't dislike and hate him more after those files are released to the public...

From The New Democrat

And from what Fred wrote about Ghislaine Maxwell yesterday: 

"I think Kristy Greenberg hit a home rune (or, should I say "grand slam" since that word has something to do with both baseball and tennis and the US Open is going on right now) when she was talking about Ghislaine Maxwell and the word "inappropriate". Greenberg was talking about the interview that Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche (who still seems to think that he's Donald Trump's defense lawyer) and he asked Maxwell: 

"Did you ever hear Mr. Epstein ever say or do anything that President Trump did anything inappropriate with anybody in your world?" 

And Maxwell responded with: 

"Absolutely never in any context."

So Kristy Greenberg's point here is that you don't let the defendant (or in this case convict) get to decide for you what is "inappropriate" and what is "appropriate". She's been in prison for 5 years now because she was convicted of a lot of inappropriate actions. (And based on the evidence, did some really inappropriate things) And we're not talking about serial jaywalker, (if you are a serial jaywalker, stay out of Washington and Chicago right now) or a shoplifter, who only steals because they are addicted to gum. 

In Ghislaine Maxwell's case, we're talking about a sex trafficker, who was involved with Jeffrey Epstein in this criminal enterprise, for 20-25 years, before they finally got caught in 2019. But according to Deputy Attorney General Blanche, she qualifies as someone who knows the difference between "appropriate" and "inappropriate". If Ghislaine Maxwell knows anything about "inappropriate", she knows how to behave very badly. And even how to get way with it, up to a point. She was a woman behaving very badly, for. a very long time... 

From The New Democrat

So imagine this is a Saturday Live skit and they have someone playing Ghislaine Maxwell (perhaps because they really hate that actress, but don't want to fire her) and it's a skit with Ghislaine in her Club Fed prison cell, perhaps just on her bed, in her dormitory, writing a letter to the Deputy Attorney General of the United States (Todd Blanche) trying to convince the DAG that President Trump had 100%, absolutely (which is redundant) nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein. 

Ghislaine is trying to convince the DAG that those videos and photos of Mr. Trump at the Epstein house in the 1990s and 2000s... Donald and Melania simply went to the wrong house by mistake. (Over and over and over again) When they discovered that, they also noticed that their car battery was dead and Mr. Epstein invited them to wait at his house until AAA got there to repair their car... I mean limo. 

And now imagine this: in this SNL skit, before Ghislaine can even write a "letter", (piece of trash would be more accurate) a fellow inmate slipped Ghislaine some truth serum in her dinner drink (perhaps scotch, since this is Club Fed) and she's not aware of it and she's writing this letter while being forced to be honest. (For perhaps the first time in her life) So I just want to give you an idea of what an honest letter from Ghislaine Maxwell to Todd Blanche would look like, about the relationship between her and Donald, as well as Jeffrey Epstein.  And my fictional letter, won't sound that different from what Larry David wrote. 

"Mr. Deputy Attorney General

I'm writing you from the comfort of my queen-sized bed, from my private bedroom, I mean suite... here at Club Fed, to tell you that your boss President Trump, was best party friends with my boss Jeffrey Epstein. Every time 1 of Donald's wives was out-of-town, (perhaps just to get a break from him) he would call Mr. Epstein to ask if he could come over to the Epstein mansion and would he throw a party for him and have all his girls there waiting. Especially his latest recruitments. 

I'm telling you all of this, because as much as I appreciate my new accommodations here at Club Fed... I miss the Manhattan party scene and lifestyle... not to mention all those girls that I recruited to our parties and all the money I was paid for doing my part. 

Mr. Blanche, I would tell you that Donald John Trump is Jesus Christ himself, (even though DJT doesn't even believe in God) if it meant I could leave prison and go home immediately. Whatever you want me to say, however many times you want me to perjurer myself on behalf of the President, I'm your girl, just as long as it gets me out of prison immediately and I can go home. 

Best regards, Federal prison inmate Ghislaine Maxwell". 

If the truth and honesty had anything to do with these conversations that Ghislaine Maxwell had with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, (and the Cleveland Browns played the Detroit Lions in the Super Bowl) this is what her letters to Todd Blanche, or anyone else who works at Trump DOJ right now, would look like. But we're talking about a woman who probably lies as much as Donald Trump does, who sense of morality might even be lower. So she's probably only capable of telling the truth, when it doesn't hurt her, or she can gain from it. 

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